$65 Cake, but atleast the lettering was free!

Story from Reddit

Full thread found here but the short of it is that i googled "post orgasm" one day and spent the rest of it cracking the hell up at all the stuff that came up.

This is one of the stories that was posted on Reddit:

Full link below.

 http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/17qiuy/what_was_the_strangest_thing_anyone_has_said_to/

WARNING:  THIS IS A SEX STORY.  THIS IS NOT FOR CHILDREN

 ]p_U_c_K 2 points 3 months ago
Kinda a long story, hang with me...
There was a smokers table outside my dorm room in college, like, outside, on the street. Our street was the main thoroughfare between the sororities and frats, so we'd get our fair share of drunken stumblies walking to and fro. I was out there the second weekend of the first semester and this group of girls was walking by, on their way to frat row. I didn't smoke but was just around for the ambiance, drinking captain and generally just being WT and this group of girls stopped to talk to the group of random people from my dorm that had coalesced around similar, scumbag ideals.
As I was taking a large sip of my concoction one of the girls looked at me and said "You're cute", to which I replied, like the ladies man that I am... "You know it?" and just pulled her in and started sucking face for some reason (yay captain!), the group started cheering as I disappointed her with my breath and thick tongue... So, she asked me if I had any more booze, I said I didn't, and my roommate, who spent the last year before coming back to Minnesota in South Carolina and had an intermittent southern accent because of it said "Shoot, I have a whole gallon of shine upstairs where I keep my britches!" (there was a girl from Texas he had a thing for in our group, so he literally did say that, and her vagina turned as dry as the surface of the moon), so I brought her upstairs, and proceeded to fumble around with my whiskey dick for about an hour, and then finally got it 10% hard and got it to fit in, and then ended up having sex with her for about 3 hours...
I had 3 roommates, the SC one was downstairs still, and the other 2 were named Dong and Daniel... "NOT DAN, DANIEL!" as he would say to complete strangers who had the nerve to attempt to introduce themselves to him. They sat in the hall on their laptops doing physics homework while I explored every nook and cranny of a complete stranger with my cram cram. I forgot to mention that during my whiskey dickery she attempted to stick a finger in my butt while giving me head, that's how I knew she was a keeper... "I just met you, and this is crazy, but here's my finger, let's make it tangy"... So, everytime I got close to finishing Dong would open the door and yell "This is our room too!", and I'd lose where I was and would start all over again.
So finally, I finished, and it was easily one of the worst orgasms I've ever had. It was like when you get distracted during a sneeze. So, at this point, it was about 3 a.m. and I was generally exhausted, and no longer intoxicated, and started to realize I just had unprotected sex with a complete stranger... I plopped down, filled with instant regret and guilt, trying to find the nicest way for her to leave so I could dip my sack in hydrogen peroxide, and she says "We're gonna be so happy together! You're so cute! I love you!" and I said "no offense, but I have no idea what your name is... slow down"... and she started crying and said "ARE YOU CALLING ME A WHORE!?!?" and I said "No, I was just stating facts, we know nothing about one another, other than I clearly like 3 fingers and you don't like shaving" (I said that but instead of the 3 fingers I said I clearly don't like ass play), so she got dressed while whimpering and I saw her panties and bra in my bed and handed them to her and she said "keep them, to remember me by" and then grabbed my t-shirt off the floor and left...
I saw her in the cafeteria towards the end of the semester and she wouldn't look at me. I thought that was normal, but then her friend came over and called me an asshole and was screaming at me. I thought that was a bit much, but then I found out she had to get an abortion. Made me sad. I was in no position to have a baby and am pro-choice but still, that little zygote had his entire life of me disappointing him on birthdays to look forward to. Depressing end to a trashy story. Still can't figure out why Readers Digest didn't put this in their "Life in These United States" article.

Allegheny Township: Three severely injured, one dead in beer drinking mishap.

Three people were hospitalized Sunday afternoon, Nov. 10, in a bizarre incident involving Coor’s light and liquid nitrogen.

The incident happened just north of US-22 in the Glenwood condominium park around noon, when local residents Joseph DeI’perio, Christopher Sandydish, Dean Delruka and Miguel D’Ambozio – all 28 – we submerging cans of Coors lite beer into a cooler full of liquid nitrogen.  

Apparently the four men ended up ingesting several ounces of the liquid gas and were found by Joseph’s wife Beth, clutching their stomachs and screaming in pain.

Three of the men were taken to Forbes hospital in Monroeville and are currently in intensive care.  Miguel D’Ambozio was announced dead at the scene.  

The hospital has informed us that the men are suffering from internal burns and perforations in their upper Gi tract, from their epiglottis down to the stomach, and are currently on feeding tubes and heavily sedated.

Joseph’s wife released a statement, in an attempt to explain the bizarre incident, saying that the men were convinced that “Coors Light had to taste good if it was really super duper cold.”

“They figured they weren’t making it cold enough to taste good,” Beth told us, “But I guess the stuff was getting into the beer and that’s what made them sick.  I mean, we ain’t stupid.  We know not to drink the stuff.  We know there really isn’t no train.”

Liquid Nitrogen is the compound nitrogen cooled down to over -200 degrees Celsius and it is often used as a coolant to preserve heavy duty machinery that produces large amounts of heat.

The nitrogen was reportedly legally obtained over the internet by Mr. D’Ambozio and paramedics on the scene said that they had “never seen anything like it.”

According to local paramedic and Monroeville volunteer fireman Michael Simms, the body of Miguel D’Ambozio was  “extremely bloated with gas.”

“I’m not quite sure how he managed to ingest that much [liquid nitrogen].  It should have made him sick immediately," said Mr. Simms.  “He’s must have been drinking at an extremely quick rate to get that much into him before his esophagus closed.  It’s something I didn’t think was physically possible.

Miguel's lifepartner, Neil Galdwell, when arriving at the hospital simply said "If Michael knew the stuff was toxic he probably wouldn't have drank it."

No More Football/Squatting Monkeys: Origins

This is a double post.

Topic Number 1:  No more football...here.

I'm moving my football posts. If you ever read this blog before and you were looking for my NFL blogs, please go to: NFLFootballMonkey.Blogspot.com. It's where I will be posting them from now on. 

It seems that some people just like to look at blogs with a general content focus and others are looking for football specific content.  By cutting the two up, it should be easier for people to find what they are looking for.

Topic Number 2:  This blog's stupid name.

I named it after a classic comedy bit by standup comic Dana Carvey, best known as Garth from Wayne's World.

Anyway, I named my blog as a tribute to his classic bit and you can see it here: 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iajDJz7Dqgc

Cheers.

Divison in Review: AFC West

The Broncos

The big winners of the Peyton Manning sweepstakes are overhauling their entire offense for the second time in less than a year. After running media sensation and former hero Tim Tebow out of town, they are throwing all of their chips in the Peyton Manning basket and shifting into win now mode. They haven’t exactly gone for broke on the free agent market (they had been admittedly preoccupied with wooing Manning) and are relying on last year’s receiving corps to adapt from catching balls from the leagues least accurate passer to catching them from one of the most precise. The nuances of Manning’s offensive system will take some time for the receivers to get comfortable with but the receiving corps isn’t without talent. Demaryius Thomas talent has ideal size and speed for a number one receiver and Eric Decker is a big target with soft hands. Jacob Tamme came over to Denver with Manning and should be his safety valve on third down. Tamme, Thomas and Decker aside, the rest of the team is lacking offensive weaponry and Manning will be working with a starting running back that isn’t an adept pass catcher for the first time in his career.

The free agency pool for runners wasn’t very deep this year and the Broncos are relying on 30 year old Willis McGahee to carry the load again in 2012. Last year’s backup Lance Ball will battle rookie Ronnie Hillman for third down duties, but HC John Fox’s well documented veteran favoritism makes Ball the favorite for snaps behind McGahee. The Broncos could benefit from Knowshon Moreno’s return from last year's season ending ACL injury, but it appears that the coaching staff has soured on the former first round pick and his roster spot may be in jeopardy. Manning will be responsible for being great and making the offense great, all the while dealing with the continued rehabilitation from the neck injury that knocked him out for the 2011 season. This season is likely to be the most challenging year of his career and early struggles can be expected as he readjusted to NFL game speed. Manning does stand to benefit from an up and coming defense that showed serious potential last year, even if it was erratic week to week. Their defense is a nice mix of young and veteran talent, and DJ William’s suspension aside, the defense is coming back better than it was in 2011. They added corners Tracy Porter and Drayton Florence to replace Andre Goodman, and drafted defensive lineman Derek Wolfe to help reinforce their front four. Von Miller and Elvis Dumervil will continue to make up one of the more dangerous pass rushing duos in the NFL, similar to how Dwight Freeney and Robert Mathis were in Indianapolis.

It will be crucial for Miller and Dumveril to consistently get after the quarterback because they are the Broncos biggest playmakers and first line of defense protecting their aging secondary. While the Broncos will field a solid team with a legitimate shot at the playoffs, their success will hinge entirely on Manning’s ability to stay healthy since they have no veteran quaterback behind him to sub in. The injury that knocked out one of the NFL’s greatest ironman quarterbacks and ended his Colts career is an unusual one, because it isn’t a question of “if” the injury is going to flare up again, but “when.”


The Chiefs

Chiefs fans rejoiced last year when then HC Todd Haley was given his walking papers and DC Romeo Crennel was named interm headcoach. Crennel responded by handing the Greenbay Packers their first and only loss of the 2011 season the following week. It is hard not to blame Haley for a majority of the Chief struggles in 2011 because as headcoach he was charged with making the hard decisions and he nearly always made them wrong. From keeping starters playing too deep into the preseason to basic depth chart decisions, Haley became the personification of self-destruction as the season progressed. Crennel has been a headcoach before and his experience from Cleveland will undoubtedly help him continue to turn around the Chiefs staggering franchise.

They are only a season removed from being the division champs and a majority of the roster has been maintained or improved since then. Key players will be returning from serious injury, and most of their young roster is another year older and another year wiser. Franchise quarterback Matt Cassel looks 100% healthy after suffering a fracturing his throwing hand in week 10 of last season. Cassel is now 30, squarely in his prime, and he will be the center of attention on the offense in 2012. While they are planning on using run heavy offensive strategy, utilizing their one two punch of Jamaal Charles and Peyton Hillis to tire out defenses, Cassel will have to consistently get the ball to his playmaking wide receivers for the offense to really succeed. Even though Dwayne Bowe is holding up this offseason because he is unhappy with the franchise tag, it’s very likely that the issue will be resolved before training camp breaks. Cassel also has speedster Steve Breaston and second year man Jonathan Baldwin, a physical specimen at 6’4, 230, who has starred in offseason practices as a red zone target.

Starting tight end Tony Moeaki is at full strength after missing last season with a torn ACL and he should be a significant contributor in the passing game this year. The Chiefs added to their offensive line during the offseason, paying big money to free agent tackle Eric Winston and spending a second round pick on guard Jeff Allen. All signs point to the Chiefs running to football this season and they will be one of the few teams built to. First round pick Donatri Poe has elite talent and could very well end up being the next Vince Wilfork. Their whole front seven is highly athletic and, while they lack pass rushers aside from Tamba Hali, they have proven to be quick to the football and opportunistic. Their secondary did lose Brandon Carr to the Cowboys in free agency, but a combination of a healthy Eric Berry and free agent Stanford Routt should help replace his production. All said, the Chiefs are plenty talented and new OC Brian Daboll will have the most talent he has ever had to coach on his hands. If the up and coming OC can add a spark to the offense and their already solid defense continues to develop as they should, the Chiefs have a better than even shot at winning their division.



The Chargers

The Chargers are going for the playoffs or bust in 2012…because their coaches job depends on it. After their disappointing 2011 campaign, Chargers fans are holding their breaths that the Phillips Rivers that had a 7-11 TD ratio in the first eight games doesn’t show up. Rivers has historically had a better second half of the season statistically, but his play was so horrendous that everyone wondered if his poor play was the result from injury. There is no reason to think that Rivers will not return to All Pro form, especially considering the weapons that the Chargers added in free agency. San Diego responded to losing their Pro Bowl receiver Vincent Jackson to the Buccaneers by signing deep threat Robert Meachem and dynamic returner and slot man Eddie Royal.

Neither make up for the 6’5 safety blanket that Jackson provided Rivers, but Meachem is a difference maker on the outside and Royal game breaking speed and elusiveness. Their quick first step and ability to separate will be a major asset for the Chargers since their offensive line is dealing with a couple new starters on the left side of the offensive line. New blindside tackle Jared Gaither is an above average tackle, but one that has had serious back issues in recent history that contributed to his career ending in Baltimore. Meanwhile, new left guard Tyronne Green is an unproven starter but one that has apparently stepped up this offseason and worked on his conditioning at LeCharles Bentley’s O-Line Academy. If their offensive line stabilizes, it would go a long way towards helping Rivers return to Pro Bowl form and Ryan Mathews breakout.

Turner is known for preferring to utilize a true workhouse back versus a committee attack, and they intend to rely on Mathews to carry the load in 2012. The supremely gifted Mathews has the talent to lead the league in rushing but so far hasn’t shown the durability to. The Chargers intended to use Mike Tolbert in short yardage situations in 2012 but he ended up stealing over 100 carries from Mathews last year; partially because Mathews was nicked up and partially because Tolbert proved to be a very reliable 3rd down back. The good news is that between Rivers and Mathews, the Chargers offense has the potential to be much better than it was last year. The better news is that the Chargers defense looks primed to bounce back after a very disappointing 2011 campaign. The Chargers have been solid defensively since Turner took the helm and their mediocre defensive figures posted in 2012 are some of the lowest of Turner’s tenure. They maintained their talented roster and added pass rushers Melvin Ingram and Kendall Reyes with their first two draft picks in hopes to bolster their low sack count. Norv Turner look back on 2011 as a bad dream; they were a franchise with sky high expectations that saw their playoff spot stolen by a team running an offense that hasn’t been used since the 1940s. They have everything to lose in 2012, so expect them to come out guns ablazing this season.


  The Raiders

Reggie McKenzie has one of the biggest rebuilding projects in recent memory: resurrecting the biggest underperforming franchise of the past decade. The Raiders have been on the wrong end of every single deal in they have made in this millennia. They drafted Jamarcus Russell first overall in 2007 and he now challenges Ryan Leaf for the title of “Biggest Draft Bust Ever.” They gave gimpy free agent Javon Walker a six year, $55 million deal and he appeared in only 11 games over two season, recording a total of 196 yards and one touchdown. They traded away their 2012 first round and 2013 second round pick for disgruntle Bengals QB Carson Palmer, who is now 32 and has been in statistical decline in the previous years. They even went so far as to set a new record for money paid to a kicker when the handed 34 year Sebastian Janikowski a 4 year, $16 million contract.

They have well known history of underachieving in the modern NFL, and McKenzie and new HC Dennis Allen are going to struggled to turn it around. They inherited a team that didn’t have a pick until the 4th round of the 2012 draft and roster teeming with underperformers and project players. Al Davis had long coveted athletes over football players and had been insistent on building a vertical passing attack for his entire tenure. His infatuation with speed has left them with a roster full of track stars (including their fullback) who will have to operate in new OC Greg Knapps traditionally run heavy offense. It stands to be a poor fit considering Darren McFaddens injury history, an absence of a proven runner behind him, and lack of big bodies on the outside, but their real concern for the offense will be whether franchise quarterback continues to bounce back from his struggles. For those unaware, Palmer has been on the decline for a while now and it is getting harder and harder to ignore it. Palmer missed a majority of the 2008 season with an arm injury and he refused going on the IR in hopes to return that season. He decided against the Tommy John surgery that his surgeon recommended, hoping to let the injury to heal naturally. Why would a player prefer not to have the recommended surgery that his doctor prescribed?

One might argue that the surgery is dangerous, but in reality countless baseball and football players have undergone it and returned to full strength. There is no real good reason for Palmer to have avoided the surgery, other than the most obvious one: money. I am just theorizing here, but it is well known that players placed on IR are given significant pay cuts and receive no bonuses the rest of the season. Since the Bengals included significant performance bonuses into their franchise quarterbacks $118 million dollar contract, Palmer stood to lose a ton of money by going on IR. But by avoiding IR, and the subsequent surgery, he may have ruined his arm for the long term. Palmer was only 29 at the time of the injury and he saw his statistics plateau in 2009, and then regress in 2010 even though the Bengals had moved into a pass first offense that year. In Palmer’s heyday, he was easily considered one of the top five quarterbacks in the league. Three years later, when players like Tom Brady and Drew Brees are breaking numerous historical passing records; Palmer is nowhere near their level of play. Acquired from the Bengals for a kings ransom (a 2011 1st rounder and a 2012 2nd rounder) last year, he was thrown head first into a new offense and failed to help boost the then 4-2 Raiders to the winning record needed for a playoff berth. While it seems unlikely that the 32 year old signal caller will suddenly return to form it doesn’t meant that he cannot succeed in a run heavy offensive attack. He has some of the fastest receivers in the league to throw to and the Raiders should be able to give defenses nightmares with play-action passes. If Palmer is able to get ahold of the offense and Allen manages to bring more consistency to their defense, the Raiders can be a force to be reckoned with any given week. Unfortunately, a combination of major back office changes, salary cap dumps, and the installation of a new offensive scheme makes them a long shot to make the post season.

Division in Review: AFC North

The Browns

The Browns are starting over at the quarterback position…again. First round pick Brandon Weeden is projected to become the Browns 16th starting quarterback of the past 13 years. They are expecting the 29 year old former baseball player to step in and make an immediate impact on an offense that has historically struggled to stay out of the leagues bottom decile. They gave him a serious weapon in Trent Richardson, who has been mentioned by many draft analysts in the breathe as Adrian Peterson, but they did nothing to improve one of the league’s most underwhelming receiving corps. Despite having a strong offensive line protecting him, Weeden is going to be working without a net in his first season and his success will likely hinge on his defenses ability to keep the games close. As a power running team without great talent, size or speed at the receiver position, their defense will be tasked with keeping the putting their pirate...err...rookie quarterback in a position to win games with careful play.

They simply won’t have the firepower or experience under center to mount big comebacks against opponents in 2012. The good news is that the defense is solidifying into a trustworthy group featuring plenty of young playmakers on their way up. Jabaal Sheard broke out in a big way in 2011 and Phil Taylor was starting to earn more snaps before his freak pectoral injury he sustained while weight lifting. D’Qwell Jackson proved that he can be a premier talent at inside linebacker when healthy, and he was awarded with a 5 year extension after racking up 145 tackles in 2011. Joe Haden and TJ Ward are both young and rounding into Pro Bowl form, and they are two of the biggest playmakers that Steve the Pirate...err...Weeden will be relying on in 2012.

 

As much hope as there is for the Browns in 2012 and as exciting as the additions of Weeden and Richardson are, expectations should be kept in check. They play in one of the toughest divisions against three legitimate playoff teams. Their power run game will be put to the test against the Steelers and Ravens and a lack of playmakers on offense will make their offense one dimensional. A trial by fire season often sets players up to fail, but his advanced age doesn’t permit him with the luxury of taking the time to develop his game. Weeden is either going to sink or swim in the NFL, and the weight belt of a bad receiving corps will do him no favors. The Browns may be picking another quarterback much sooner than they will expect to.


The Bengals

Marvin Lewis enters 2012 with a single season left on his contract and he may finally be tiring of owner/GM Mike Brown. The penny pinching Brown has been an albatross around Lewis’ neck each of the previous nine years of his tenure, so Lewis could play hardball when it comes to contract negotiations, especially considering the potential for the Bengals to build on last season’s success. Andy Dalton put up a very respectable 3,400 passing yards and posted a 20-13 TD, which are fantastic overall statistics for a rookie. Even though he seemed to fade down the stretch last year, as defenses started to figure out his tendencies, he gives the Bengals offense a major building block to rely on as the offense continues to change. In a lateral move, Cedric Benson was replaced with former Patriots running back Benjarvus Green-Ellis and they are planning an even timeshare between BGE and 2011 second stringer Bernard Scott. The Bengals will continue to rely on their Pro Bowl duo of Dalton and AJ Green to keep their offense going and to keep games competitive.

It will be more important for Dalton to step forward again as a quarterback this year because their run game is unlikely to have a greater impact in 2012 with middling talents sharing the backfield. However, Dalton does stands to benefit from a young defense that is another year older and another year better. Their young defensive line is loaded with athletic talent and former early round picks, and their linebacker corps returns at full strength with the resigning of Manny Lawson. Should pass rushers like Michael Johnson and Carlos Dunlap finally start to live up to expectations, they can have a legitimately dangerous front seven, which would really help out their worrisome secondary. Pro Bowler Leon Hall is coming off an Achilles’ injury, rookie first round pick Dre Kirkpatrick is coming along slowly and Nate Clements, Terence Newman and Jason Allen have all shown signs of decline. Free safety Reggie Nelson is the lone bright spot in their secondary, coming off an solid 73 tackle, four interception 2011 season, but the strong safety position is totally up in the air.

 

The defense should continue to improve and they should put their young signal called in better positions to win in 2012. In any other division, the Bengals would be a trendy pick as a playoff contender, but in the AFC North they will likely have to win at least 11 games to earn playoff consideration. They will be a very young team battling annual superbowl contenders full of veteran nucleus players like the Ravens and Steelers, something that makes them the underdog in 2012. However, it takes only one of those teams to struggle due to injury for the Bengals to find themselves in the thick of the wildcard race. It will ultimately come down to how well Dalton manages the games and how quickly he continues to develop. NFL Films guru Greg Cosell has stated that the Bengals “have a few doubts” about Dalton’s upside, citing concerns about his arm strength limitations. The Bengals OC Jay Gruden has openly denied any such concern and recently A.J. Green has even stepped forward in support of his quarterback. While the whole team needs to show more cohesion and play up to their expectations, there is no question that the success of the Bengals will hinge entirely on the play of their young signal caller.

The Steelers

Things are changing in Pittsburgh, even if they are in less conspicuous ways. They forced the retirement of their offensive coordinator Bruce Arians, who (to no one’s surprise) stayed retired less than a week before the Colts came knocking on his door. He was replaced by the fiery former headcoach of the Chiefs, Todd Haley, who will look to revamp the entire offense. The ownership has publicly stated that they expect the Steelers to return to their traditional “ground and pound” rushing attack, likely in an effort to prolong the career of their franchise quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. It’s an unusual strategy in the eyes of some, since their starting running back Rashard Mendenall seems like a lock to being the season on the PUP list and nearly all of their offensive talent is comprised of the young dynamo receiving duo of Mike Wallace and Antonio Brown. Haley is known as a motivator that doesn’t hesitate to bump heads with players, but his antics may not be appreciated by players that are proven starters and former Super Bowl champions.

Haley, and the run game, will benefit from the additions of rookies Mike Adams and David DeCastro, two players that automatically upgrade what has been an inconsistent and underwhelming offensive line over the past few seasons. Haley will kick start the running game in Pittsburgh and (should) try to take the pressure of his increasingly brittle signal caller. Roethlisberger has been averaging 40 sacks a season since entering the league and the cumulative effect of his sandlot style of quarterbacking is starting to take its toll. The offense will be more important than ever in 2012 due to the teams aging defense. Nose tackle Casey Hampton is returning for a torn ACL and his backups are not proven replacements yet, even though Hampton was in a rotation with Steve McClendon last year. James Farrior was dropped by the Steelers and they don’t have a named replacement just yet; an atypical event for a team that drafts well in advance of position need. Keenan Lewis, Cortez Allen and Curtis Brown are going to be counted on to operate opposite of Ike Taylor and to help support a secondary that is getting very long in the tooth.
 

The Steelers still have one of the best linebacking corps in the league, a historically effective system and a hall of famer coaching them, but the defense can ill afford to have its performance drop off if they really expect to make another playoff run in 2012. They play in a tough division and they have matchups against the Jets, Eagles, Giants, Chargers and Cowboys in 2012. The Steelers remain a solid team and a safe bet to see the post season, but making a deep run is starting to become a serious challenge for them. Roethlisberger is never healthy late into the season, and their embarrassing loss to the Tim Tebow led Broncos last season exemplifies why a change in offensive philosophy is crucial if they want to complete for another title.

The Ravens

The offseason loss of Defensive MVP Terrell Suggs may very well set the tone for the Raven’s 2012 season.  Suggs torn his Achilles during a training session (basketball) in late April, and even though he has already undergone the repair surgery and promises to “return by November,” there is a very good chance that he will miss the entire 2012 season.  It’s really a devastating loss for a team who lacks pass rushing personnel, and it destroys some of the versatility that the defense had benefited from in recent years.  Without Suggs they will be forced to start rookie Courtney Upshaw in his place and they will have to hope that Paul Kruger will be able to replicate some of the production Suggs had as a hybrid player.  Also, youngsters like Terrence Cody and Jimmy Smith will be counted on as full time players in 2012 and they will need to mature into reliable players very quickly in order to help keep a defense full of veteran talent from being overworked. 

While the defense is chock full of young potential, the offense has nearly all of its key offensive players dealing with extraneous problems. Franchise quarterback Joe Flacco is going into the final season of his rookie deal and he is expecting a lucrative long term extension to be offered sooner than later. They slapped the franchise tag on Pro Bowl running back Ray Rice and he is staying away from the team in an attempt to get a long term extension done. Left tackle Bryant McKinnie is dealing with conditioning issues and he isn’t guaranteed a roster spot unless he shows improvement. While these may seem like minor matters, the complete lack of depth behind these key players makes these matters largely important in what is shaping up to be a very important year for the franchise. The franchise seems uncertain about committing to Flacco after a statistical regression in 2011. Despite having more receiving weapons than ever before, Flacco’s completion percentage dipped and his yards per game plateaued in 2011, leaving some to wonder how much more upside the 27 year old quarterback has left in him.

And while Flacco is reportedly “haunting” the Raven’s training complex in hopes to spur contract talks, Ray Rice is doing his offseason workouts away from the team because he is unhappy with Raven’s use of the franchise tag. Running backs that keep away from the team due to holdout have a well-documented history of returning from a hold out in less than ideal shape, resulting in a subpar performance the following season. Backups Anthony Allen and rookie Bernard Pierce are both poor bets to replace Rice’s production should he holdout or show up less than 100% for the 2012 season. The run game has been the fulcrum of the offense for years and if it struggles in 2011 they Ravens could find themselves in dire straits. The playoff hopes for the Ravens lies completely on their team’s ability to stay healthy for the 2012 season, and so far things are looking grim.

Division in Review: AFC East

The Patriots

The obvious favorites to win the division, they spent the offseason reloading their wide receiver corps with talent. Brandon Lloyd has acclimated quickly to Josh McDaniels offense and Jabar Gaffney currently projects to start opposite of him. Long time left tackle Matt Light decided to retire, but the rest of the offensive line remains unchanged and former first round pick Nate Solder seems like a capable enough replacement. The Patriots look to employ a committee attack at running back, with Stevan Ridely and Shane Verneer slated to carry the load, and Danny Woodhead contributing on passing down. Their defense wavered between a 4-3 and 3-4 base defense last year, but they appear to be leaning toward a 4-3 base defense for the 2012 season.

Rookies Chandler Jones and Dont’a Hightower project as starters in their rookie year, but expectations should be kept in check for the youngsters since it usually takes a full season for players to get adjusted to the game speed at the pro level. The defense surrendered nearly 300 yards passing per game last year, but those figures are inflated by teams being forced to throw to keep up with their high scoring offense. Second year man Ras-I Dowling projects to start opposite of Devin McCoutry, with Kyle Arrington likely maning the slot. Their free safety is still up in the air, but a healthy Patrick Chung is a difference maker on every down when healthy. Their defense should improve this season and they have a lot of young talent that can develop into legitimate starters for years to come.

However, that is in an ideal scenario. Their only real proven starters are Vince Wilfork, Brandon Spikes, Jerod Mayo, McCoutry and Chung…the rest of the starters will need to step up and prove themselves this year. The superbowl losers have only gotten better this off season, adding far more talent than they lost; but only because last year’s team was largely devoid of talent. With an infusion of talent and potentially key players returning from injury, the Patriots should be early favorites to make a return trip to the Super bowl.


The Bills



A return to a 4-3 defense should be a welcomed change by coaches and fans alike. The additions of Pro Bowl end Mario Williams and pass rushing specialist Mark Anderson will be maximized in a 4-3 alignment, while allowing Marcell Dareus to return to his college position inside next to Kyle Williams. With plenty of depth and talent along the D-line, they very well could be the next team to adopt the Giants pass rushing model. Their secondary has only gotten better with the addition of first rounder Stephon Gilmore, who is being installed as a starter right away.  If Gilmore breaks out in a big way and Aaron Williams starts to play up to his second round pedigree the Bills could have one of more formidable secondaries in the NFL. Their offense, on the other hand, hasn’t undergone many changes and defenses can expect more of the same from them in 2012. The locked up Stevie Johnson on a five year deal, but so far this offseason he has been unable to practice due to his lingering groin injury. Their wide receiver corps is talented, but none of them have separated themselves from the pack as deserving of a starting spot. CJ Spiller is finally showing his talents as a potential change of pace back, and while Fred Jackson is locked in starter, it’s not out of the question that a committee attack could emerge as the season progresses.



Two of the biggest storylines to follow this season will be the performances of Vince Young and rookie left tackle Cordy Glenn. Glenn was projected by some as a guard at the NFL level, but he does the requisite size to play tackle at 6’6 and 350 pounds. Former Bills tackle Demetress Bell’s unreasonably high contract demands forced the Bills to look elsewhere for Ryan Fitzpatrick’s blindside protector, and any struggles by Glenn will have major consequences for his quarterback. Fitzpatrick has proven himself a tough, scrappy player, but ultimately one that is undersized and injury prone. In the past, lingering injuries have hampered his effectiveness and a lack of an adequate backup has forced him to play hurt. It’s because of this he has turned in uneven performances with strong starts and poor finishes to each of the past two seasons.
 




With Vince Young now in the fold, the coaching staff should be able to rest their quarterback if needed without necessarily sacrificing a win. Young is still plenty talented and in the eyes of some he is a legitimate starter who never really got a fair shake in Tennessee.  There is a good chance that Young will start a few games this year, and his natural fit into the Bills offensive scheme has some wondering if Young could end up stealing Fitzpatrick’s job all together. The Bills should be a better team this year based on a defensive scheme change alone, but how healthy their key players stay will be the deciding factor behind their success in 2012. Firmly behind the Patriots, they will battle the Jets for second place in the AFC East and wild card spot in the playoffs.

The Jets

The impact of the acquisition of Tim Tebow cannot be understated; he brings more than just the Tebow army and unbelievable media coverage. He brings leadership that can fracture a locker room, a good natured attitude and ridiculous work ethic that can either motivate or generate envy, an unprecedented start to a football career and an unparalleled pedigree of excellence in the game of football. How the quarterback saga will play out remains a mystery but we do know that the Jets are going to try to do something that no one ever has in the modern NFL: utilize a two quarterback system. No modern NFL team has ever pulled their starter in favor of another quarterback for a specific situation or a set of plays. They have done it for running backs or wide receivers in order to execute a wildcat play, but it is otherwise largely unprecedented in the NFL. The only notable instance is back in 2007, when the Cardinals used Tim Rattay as their designated redzone quarterback; but only because starter Kurt Warner was playing with a broken thumb and he couldn’t clutch the football properly to throw fade passes.  Rattay went went 3 for 3 on competions that year, with all of his pass attempts resulting in a touchdown.  Quarterbacks aside, the rest of the team remains mostly unchanged, as a good team tends to. They have added rookie Stephen Hill and former Raider Chaz Schilens over the offseason, but neither should be relied upon to contribute regularly in their first season. Hill is still raw as a receiver and the talented Schilens has never been able to stay healthy throughout his career. Their offensive and defensive lines have been largely unchanged, aside of the addition of rookie phenom Quinton Coples.

One of the most naturally talented ends to come along since Mario Williams, he offers an extraordinary size speed combination and they plan to bookend him with second year man Muhammad Wilkerson. Their safety position has been overhauled with additions of free agents Laron Landry and Yeremiah Bell, who should prove to be difference makers when (if?) they are on the field. While the Tebow Sanchez saga is likely to be the biggest story of 2012, the most important one is how new OC Tony Sparano plans to overhaul the offensive game plan with the current roster.

Behind starter Shonn Greene, they don’t have a back capable to carrying the load for a full season, but despite this lack of depth Sparano is still planning to have a smash mouth, run heavy offensive identity. Tebow is currently playing at 250 pounds, the heaviest he ever has, with the expectation that he will be utilized in the run game on a regular basis. How Sparano uses his creativity to aid their mundane rush attack that averaged just 3.8 yards a carry last year (they were outrushed by their division rival Patriots) will be the most important part of their offensive game plan. Without the proper personnel, Sparano has a challenge ahead of him this season and if the offense continues to falter the blame will all fall to him. The Jets are expected to battle the Bills for second place in their division and a potential wildcard spot in the playoffs.

The Dolphins





Joe Philbin has his work cut out for him. More likely than not Miami has another losing season coming in 2012. They are in a brutal division, they play a handful of playoff teams and they are undergoing major changes offensively and defensively. Holdover starters like Matt Moore and Reggie Bush will be called upon to step up and lead the inexperienced and unproven offense in 2012, something that neither have much of a track record of doing. Additions Chad (OchoCinco) Johnson and Legedu Nanee are both expected to be major contributors offensively, but if their free agency status is any indication of their remaining talent they are unlikely to provide defenses with any real challenge. New OC Mike Sherman will be tasked with revamping the current offense into a west coast system, one that relies on timing and accuracy.





How quickly players get acclimated and whether or not they ever prosper in the system is a legitimate concern, but everything will be geared towards supporting their future starter Ryan Tannehill. Tannehill is a former college receiver who started only 19 games at quarterback for Texas A&M, so he will be a project for Sherman and Philbin to develop into a starter for next season. Defensively, the Dolphins are in much better shape with major pieces of their newly former 4-3 defense already in place.





Players like Cameron Wake and Karlos Dansby will get the opportunity to return to their former positions and a simplified gap structure of the 4-3 scheme should help bolster the run defense immediately. The addition of Richard Marshall should more than make up for the loss of Yeremiah Bell, since he can play corner, nickle, and free safety competently. The Dolphins defense was respectable last year, ranking 15th in total yards and tying Detroit and Denver 10th in sacks, so they will probably match their 2011 performance or better it. As the dog of the AFC East, it will take some time and major development on the part of the offense before they are able to compete with the rest of their division for a playoff spot. The good news for them is that Tom Brady is 34 and has only three years left on his contract, so just as Brady is starting to slow down Tannehill (23) should start to hit his prime.

Takers

I found myself watching “Takers” the other night. Your first question is probably, “why?” The answer is, “I don’t know.” Your second question is probably, “why did you bother to write about it?” The answer is, “I had to.”

From the very beginning the movie hammers you over the head with the idea that this is an action movie. The bank robbery scene has no gravity to it, their escape plan is completely retarded and they calmly walk away from an exploding helicopter…without looking back. Yeah, originality isn’t big in this movie. And if “Takers” was an action movie then I would be fine with it, but it isn’t written like one. My guess is that someone was writing a very serious, very believable heist movie that wasn’t very good and didn’t really have an ending just yet, and someone found it, punched it up with some action scenes and put it into production.

The very beginning of the movie made me hate what I guess we can call “the heroes” of the movie. They rob a bank and then wave down a traffic helicopter? The actual probability that a news chopper would be in the air when the bank robbery call went out, and be close enough by to get there in the mere minutes the robbers have to escape, and the pilot would be stupid enough to illegally land on the top of building is ridiculously low. The whole reason that the heist movie genera is cool is because it’s about clever criminals manipulating the people and structure of everyday life in order to obtain something special or important. They are full of originality and outside of the box ideas that surprised and delight the audience. There is nothing clever and interesting about waving down news helicopter and just hoping that it lands.

 

So after the movie establishes that it’s going to be an exciting, action packed movie with people walking away from explosions in slow motion, the characters put on suits, sit on a boat and discuss their investments. They sit around, drink, smoke cigars and calmly discuss their previous job and the new job that TI is proposing.

 

Wow, I’m on the edge of my seat. You figured that they maybe would do something exciting. They have exciting, action packed jobs, so you might think that their lives would mirror them. Maybe they would race around on their motorcycles or do something dangerous for fun in their downtime. But no, they sit around like they are Warren Buffet, getting drunk on fine scotch and talking about the latest Bloomberg report. Going from exciting action scenes to dead-stop, boring realism destroys the flow of the movie. It’s like driving 90 miles an hour for 3 minutes and then 10 miles an hour for the next 20, and while some might argue that the scenes were needed to add backstory and details crucial to the story’s development, the fact is that all the information given to the audience turns out to be either useless or misleading.

So after boring dialogue came the next action scene, where Anakin Skywalker beats the snot out of some rednecks in a trailer.



While it didn’t make much sense to send Anakin into the trailer alone and it wasn’t believable that the skinny, good looking white boy was able to beat up three burley rednecks at once, the scene became outright stupid when the last bloodied, half conscious baddie decides to finally pull his gun out. If you have a gun, don’t you pull it out first? They could have saved themselves an ass kicking if they would have just pulled the gun out first. Maybe Anakin used the force to make the bad guy forget he had a gun tucked into his pants. Maybe the director realized that if the bad guy pulled the gun out first then they couldn’t have a fight scene. But why did the bad guy need a gun in the first place? I cannot think of a single reason the gun needed to be in the scene since it was never used and only flashed momentarily at the end; I guess it was just there to destroy the audience’s suspension of disbelief.

After a more boring dialogue and some “men working hard” montages, they get to the part where they are going to attack some armored trucks. They are going to do it “Italian job style” as TI puts it, because apparently the writer had used up all of his creative juices coming up with the ingenious “wave down a helicopter” escape plan. When bomb goes off and the trucks don’t fall through the street like they are supposed to, and I was stunned. What are they going to do now? Abort the mission was my guess. The movie is supposed to be realistic and logical, so they should just walk away right then and there. TI was dressed as a cop and no one knew he was part of the heist attempt, Paul Walker was hanging out in a parking garage, and the rest of the team was underground and totally unseen. They don’t really need the money and it’s established early on that they are doing the job out of boredom more than anything. They live in mansions, drive fancy cars, date beautiful women and are deathly afraid of going back to jail.



Well, if this was a smart movie with logical criminals, then they would have fled and the movie would have been over. Instead, they decided to get into a gun battle with the security service from a downhill, exposed position. The cops are standing above them and shooting down into the hole that they are standing in. Have they never heard of the term “fish in a barrel?” Meanwhile, Paul Walker just outright attacks the convoy, walking right up to a guard holding a gun and just punches him in the face. At this point, you realize that all the posturing and preening about being a “professional” group was total bullcrap. The whole lead up dialogue meant nothing and was just filler meant to lead to the next action sequence. They have no masks, no bulletproof vests and no plan whatsoever. They just decide to wing it and see what happens, instead of just walking away from the situation like a smart criminal would.



So after some more action stuff and Chris Brown showcases his parkour skills for an unreasonably long amount of time, they end up getting into a gun fight with some Russians. Now I am all for gunfight scenes and I have to say this was a good one. Anakin gets shot, they actually run out of ammo on occasion and they pleasantly surprised everyone by not copying the slowed down bullet scene from “The Matrix.” However, the music chosen for the scene is completely stupid. You would think maybe an alternative rock or maybe techno type of instrumental would be used, like they do in every other action movie, right? Nope! Slow, sad classical music! The type of classical, string music that you see accompanying scenes of slavery or genocide. This is the big climax! The big shootout! And the audience is supposed to be considering the tragedy of the violence? Or perhaps we are supposed to feel bad for the crew and the predicament they got themselves into? This is a group of dangerous, gun toting bank robbers that spent a majority of the morning shooting at innocent security guards…why all of a sudden is there tragic music? The music actually got me excited at first, because I figured all of them were going to die. Why else play the sad music, right? Nope, just Anakin, and he only dies because he decided to jump in the air in front of a guy with a shotgun. I’m not sure what Anakin was thinking or what he expected to happen; didn’t he know what a shotgun does?



It’s these types scenes and these very events that take the viewer out of the movie. You can’t root for a guy that’s overly stupid and you can’t get emotionally tied into a story that constantly makes the audience question the logic of the heroes. In the next scene, the two brothers find out that TI killed their girlfriend and took all their money. Grief stricken, they promise to get revenge on TI. Two scenes later, they drunkenly stumble towards some cops waving shotguns, making the audience start to wonder if this movie was meant as a crime thriller spoof but it was just so poorly written and edited that all the sarcasm got sapped out of the final cut.



I would really like to talk to William Packer (“Puff Puff Pass” & “Stomp the Yard”), Michael Ealy (“2 Fast 2 Furious” & “Underworld: Awakening”), Tom Lassally, Jason Geter, and Gary Gilbert and ask them what they thought of the final product. They certainly had a talented cast and a complete idea for the movie, but it just seems poorly thought out and lazy. As producers, they are supposed to be in charge of making sure that movies turnout as intended, and I don’t think they meant to make a movie that has a hokey action sequences with 20 minutes of monotone dialogue between them. “Takers” doesn’t feel real enough to care about, yet it isn’t exciting enough to make the audience want to watch it. Things just kinda happen, and we see them happen, and then it’s over. The audience can’t connect with the characters because we never understand the characters are very strong or well written. Except for TI, who was excellent in this film. Now understand, when I say TI was excellent I don’t mean the “he played his character well,” I mean “he played himself well.” TI fit this film very well and he matched his character perfectly.



He has swagger and attitude, and you totally believed that he just spent years in jail. He was mysterious, with a painful past and you are never sure what he is thinking. His old crew doesn’t like him, when they really should, and they have all his money and they keep planning to kill him. When he betrays them and kills Lilly, I felt like TI was justified. He got shot, abandoned by his crew, left to die or rot in prison, and then when he gets out they stole his girl, they are holding his money and don’t trust him at all. Perhaps if they welcomed him back with open arms he wouldn’t have tried to have them killed.

All said, “Takers” was really disappointing. They had a solid cast and could have really made a nice movie. Instead they made something that was worthy of going straight to DVD.